Some smut, some angst, and a huge pile of bodies
by HilsK
Summary: Spike introduces Buffy to the world of fanfic which then gives her some ideas *Sillyfic*


Note: This is **NOT** meant to be a serious fic. My friend Kella and I made it up while we were chatting on IM as a joke. I just thought it might give people a bit of a giggle. If you flame me about the silliness you will be ignored

++++++++++++++++

Once upon a time there was a devilishly handsome vampire named Spike who loved to piss people off for his own amusement... looking ever-so-sexy as he did so. But to his chagrin that just made people love him more. All except a young Slayer who went by the name of Buffy.

Buffy had issues. So many issues that magazines were jealous. These issues made her blind to the wonders of Spike, which only made him want her more. Spike had issues, too, you see, but they were sexy issues, and therefore overlooked by drooling teenage girls. 

So one day Spike and his issues hatched a plan. He would make Buffy see what the hoardes of teenage girls did, if it was the last thing he did. Of course, Buffy immediately decided that the teenage girls MUST be demons too, and proceeded to call Spike an "evil, disgusting thing" until the teenage girls became violently ill. She then proceeded to try to slay said T.G.'s after one of them told her to "eat something, for god's sake."

Spike could see that winning Buffy over was not going to be an easy task, so he appointed some accomplices who went under the guise of 30+ year old fangirls. Their mission: abduct Buffy and chain her in the attic, since he'd already tried the basement. Alas, the mission was a failure and bodies of the fangirls soon joined the teenage girls on a heap in Buffy's back yard. Dawn immediately came out into the backyard, screaming at the pile of bodies "Get out...getout, getoutgetoutGETOUT!!!" Dawn was immediately shot and added to the pile.

And there was much rejoicing. 

_Yay! ::waves a flag, Monty Python style: A wandering gang of starving vamps stalked into the slayer's backyard and ate the pile of slayees. And there was much rejoicing... right before Buffy staked them all._

Spike watched in admiration and yet again wondered how he could make Buffy love him. He decided that he should offer, as proof, 50 different printouts of fanfiction works by talented authors in which Buffy and Spike got together. He handed them to her in a leather-bound copy. Buffy was a little puzzled at first but that evening she sat down and began to read. She was particularly frightened by a threesome she read about with her, Spike, and the Buffybot, but the more she read, the more addicted she became. "Can I have some more?" She pleaded when she'd finished the 50 fics. Spike grinned. "Sure thing, luv."

She saw the grin and immediately frowned. "Uh.. y-ya know, just cuz I'm out of firewood and it's really cold in here..." she hurriedly covered. Spike smirked lazily and handed her another 20 fics. "Sure thing, pet. Whatever you say." She quickly shooed him out the door and hurried upstairs to her room, not bothering to lock the door, since Dawn was dead, anyway.

2 hours later she was done and craving more. She was amazed by all the fics she and Spike had done. There were positions she hadn't even imagined possible and her vibrator that Willow had bought her for Christmas had already worn out the batteries. She made a mental note to go buy more. But in the meantime she found herself wondering what it would be like to actually TRY some of the things she'd been reading about and she found herself heading for Spike's crypt. Just to get more fic, of course. She was only wearing her red halter top and tight black leather pants because she was planning to go the Bronze that evening and show her friends the fic, she insisted silently.

As the door banged open, no knocking of course, Spike smiled as he saw Buffy in the doorway, desire blazing in her eyes. "I want more fic." She panted

He smiled, not moving from he ratty armchair, leaning back and tilting his open liquor bottle in her direction. "Drink?"

Buffy stalked over to him, snatching the bottle from his hand and spilling a little in the process. She banged the bottle down on his bier and slowly licked the drizzle of whisky from her hand. "I didn't come here to drink," she whispered as her tongue lapped at the liquid.

"Oh?" Spike asked innocently. "Just to read, then?" He sighed dramatically. "Right, then. More it is. Who knew Buffy could read?" he finished with a smirk.

As he moved to get more reading material, Buffy reached out and grabbed his wrist pulling him back towards her. "I didn't come here to read either," she breathed, leaning up towards him, her eyes fluttering shut in anticipation. Spike gave her his sexiest bedroom-eyes look, catching his bottom lip between his teeth as he looked at her. "Up for a little rough 'n tumble, then, luv?" He ran his forefinger down one of her arms, carelessly. "Some of them are pretty racy, I'd imagine..."

Buffy feigned innocence, blushing and smoothing her hair down as she avoided his eyes. "Racy? I don't know what you mean." He rolled his eyes and laughed, sitting back down in his chair. "Right. And you're just here, smellin' like you've just watched a porn video, because you liked the grammatical accuracy..." 

Buffy's face flushed a deeper shade of red "Well....I..." She moved over to Spike's chair and looked down at him. "Can you really do that stuff?" She finally whispered

"Which stuff?" he asked, raising the scarred eyebrow. "If I recall, some of those birds wrote about me doing things I'd never known I was capable of." He curled his tongue behind his teeth, grinning impishly. "What'cha wanna hear about?"

If Buffy's face had gone any redder it would have been a shade of purple. "Maybe you can do that stuff, you just never tried." She wanted to ask him if he wanted to try, but the words died on her lips, instead she glanced at the door and thought about running. Spike caught her looking in the direction of the exit and sighed. "Right then. Off you go. You'd make a great spokesperson for a Reebox advert, you know?"

"What the hell does that mean?" Buffy demanded, her urge to flee dying as it was replaced by anger

Spike glared at the heavens. "Reebok. My author doesn't know how to spell worth a damn, lately."

"You're fast, luv." Spike smiled as she fumed. "You run the quickest of any bird I've ever known. Only, I'd prefer it if it wasnt in the opposite direction, for once."

Buffy stood her ground, the rememberance of a scene involving fuzzy handcuffs running through her mind. "I'm not going anywhere."

Spike whipped aforethought-of handcuffs. "Care to test that theory?"

Buffy's eyes widened. She thought about saying no, she thought about running but instead she found her head nodding. Spike smirked and dangled the handcuffs from one hand in front of her face. "I take it you liked the reading material, then?"

Buffy nodded again, words failing her. Instead she waited to see what Spike would do next, her whole body quivering in anticipation

Spike was enjoying himself. He was aching to touch her, of course, but tormenting her a little was only fair, considering her usual treatment of him. "So...which story was your favorite?" Buffy's face flushed, this time with arousal, not embarassment. "I can't remember the titles." She was aching for him to touch her, and felt like she might pass out from desire if he didn't do something soon

"Oh. Well, that's a pity." Spike sighed dramatically again. "I was hoping to have an intellectual discussion about --" He was cut off by Buffy's hand cupping him through his jeans. "Or not..."

"Less talk." She panted and her fingers moved up to the buttons of his shirt. "More doing." Spike's resolve crumbled, his own desire overwhealming his urge to tease her.

"Right." He swept the lingering printout papers off the top of the sarcophagus and laid her down on top of it, ripping her halter top off in the process.

"Hey!" She protested as she clawed at his jeans in a desperate attempt to remove them, "that top was new!"

"So it was," he agreed as he tossed it on the floor.

Suddenly, the room got very quiet, and they froze in place. Spike found that he couldn't move, as if he was waiting for a command of some sort. He saw that Buffy faced the same problem...

"What's happening?" She whispered, her mouth being the only thing that was still able to move. "I don't know." Spike replied

Suddenly, the scamper of feet could be heard as an Author had to run to the bathroom...

Spike rolled his eyes. "Oh bloody hell. HURRY UP WILL YOU!!" 

They both heard the distant cry, "Kids? Where'd you put the toilet paper???" and groaned, rolling their eyes.

"So, I guess we're stuck like this for now." Spike groaned, his body beginning to ache from the constant taut position. "I guess so," Buffy replied, realising that stradling each other was not really the best position for making small talk. She sighed and fell silent. Just as Spike was about to comment about the weather, they heard the thudding of feet and the sound of someone plopping down into a chair. Suddenly, Spike was able to move again and shook the pins-and-needles feeling out of his arms.

"Ah, that's better." He sighed with relief as Buffy wriggled beneath him in an effort to get the feeling back in her legs. "Now, where were we?"

"You were about to tell me the stuff you could do? ...Or show me..." she murmured, tugging at the hem of his shirt.

Spike grinned and helped her remove his shirt before reaching down to undo her leather pants. "Oh yeah, that's right."

"So...?" she gasped as his hands found the zipper.

"Well, first of all I can do this." He purred as he undid the zipper and slipped his hand inside. She jolted against him, mouth falling open, as his hand touched sensitive skin. "And...?" she managed to get out, making it sound like a moan.

"And this." He whispered, trailing kisses over her breasts and down her stomach until he reached the opening of the zipper. Dipping his head down he allowed his tongue to explore as Buffy bucked her hips beneath him

"T-that's good," she mumbled, hands frantically moving over the surface of the sarcophagus behind her, trying to find purchase. When she found nothing she reached for Spike's bare back instead, clawing into him like a cat. Spike gave a hiss of pain as her nails sank into his skin and she was about to let go when she saw the pleasure mixed with pain in his eyes. "You like that?"

"Luv, you have no idea..." he hissed again, his eyes rolling back in his head as he lowered his mouth to tease one of her breasts. Buffy wrapped her legs around his waist and attempted to pull him closer. She wanted him as near as possible. On top of her, inside her, everything and she wanted it now.

Spike remembered in the back of his mind that his intention had been to make Buffy LOVE him, not just mindlessly fuck him, as usual. He paused while contemplating this turn of events, causing Buffy to look at him with a mixture of impatience and curiosity. In her experience, Spike NEVER stopped during sex... "What?"

"I dunno if I can do this." He said softly, cursing the words as they came from his lips. "I don't wanna be your whore. Not again. One of us will just wind up getting hurt"

Buffy blinked. "You... you're not a whore, Spike..." She wracked her brain for something else to say. Then, she brightened. "Whores get paid!" At Spike's darkened expression she sighed and mentally slapped herself. "Okay, so not the BRIGHTEST thing for Buffy to say..."

Spike shook his head, his desire fading with every moment than past. He'd half hoped that when he'd shown his reluctance that she'd declared her love for him and they'd have the most passionate and love fuelled sex imaginable. He could see that the words weren't going to come though, and with a sigh he slid off her. Buffy sat there, numb from shock, and trembling from unfulfillment. "Wh-where are you going? We're supposed to have sex, now." She gestured awkwardly. "That's what we... do."

Spike nodded. "I know. And look where it took us. Pain, misery, I don't want to go there again Buffy. If you can't love me, then maybe I'm better off with nothing because this is killing me." He began to pull his clothes on, deliberately not looking at her so she wouldn't see the tears and pain in his eyes. This was the hardest thing he'd ever had to do

She sat there, not sure what to say. His words seemed so surrounded with emotion that she felt for him ... for the first time in a long time, she felt for something. Someone. But, being emotionally-constipated, she couldn't tell him that, of course.

Her face blank aside from a look of constipation she climbed back into her pants. "Spike, I wish I could love you. In fact I probably would if you weren't an evil disgusting thing like I told the teenagers and the 30+ year old fangirls."

" 'm not so disgusting," he muttered, hiding his hurt. "I took a shower today. Even washed m' hair..."

Buffy couldn't help but laugh. "Yeah, you can tell. You forgot to use the hair gel and it's all curly." 

"Hey!" Spike protested, "I don't use hair gel. 'm not Angel, you know."

Buffy nodded, humoring him. "Of course. No hair gel. Never." She smirked as he glared at her.

Inwardly Spike was grinning. At least when they bickered like this he could deal with it. He gave a small growl and flopped down into his chair. "So, Reebok, you planning on scarpering then?"

Buffy sighed. "Not shirtless, thank you very much." An evil twinkle came to her eyes. She dropped down in his lap. "You know, there are lots of things you can do without a shirt on..." She squealed indignantly and with a great deal of surprise as Spike grumbled and shoved her off his lap.

"I told you, luv, I'm not playing this game anymore. If you want a sex toy go get that Warren geek to build you a robot."

She huffed, crossing her arms. "See? That's gross. It's evil and disgusting. Just like that robot you made of me. Evil. Disgusting. Thing. Ick." She felt her halter top smack her in the face and looked up to see Spike looming over her. 

"Fine. 'm evil and disgusting. So go home." He turned and headed for his liquor stash while Buffy just sat there, thinking about the rejection and the dead fangirls. Oh, yeah... and dead Dawn.

But nobody really cared about dead Dawn. Instead she found herself looking at Spike's bare back as he found a full bottle of Jack Daniels and began to chug it down. Poor Spike, evil and disgusting as he was she couldn't help but feel bad about the pathetic mess she had reduced him to. He was still sexy even when he was a drunk, love-sick puppy. Pulling on the top which sat in her lap she quietly walked over and placed a hand on his shoulder. "I'm sorry."

He didn't face her, but she heard him mumble, "'m sorry, too."

She didn't know what else to say, so instead she began to gently stroke his back. There ws nothing sexual in it this time, she was just trying to comfort him. He stiffened beneath her touch. He didn't say anything, afraid to break this spell of kindness.

"Poor Spike." She whispered gently as she continued to stroke him. "I've broken you, haven't I?"

He shrugged slightly. "Sometimes I think so..." he whispered.

Tears came to her eyes then. She was the Slayer. She was supposed to help people, keep them safe, not destroy them like this. "I'm so sorry."

"Why?" he asked, sounding defeated for the first time she could recall. "Aren't I just an evil disgusting thing? Why feel sorry for a thing?" He still didn't turn to face her.

Buffy's hand dropped away from him and she began to sob. "You're not evil, or disgusting. I am. I don't know how you can stand to be around me."

"Buffy..." 

"No! Don't try and tell me otherwise. Look at the way I've treated you. If anyone is the monster here, it's me."

"No, you're not. You're right hard to understand, don't get me wrong..." He turned to look at her. "But you're not a monster."

"Then why am I acting this way?" She pleaded desperately. 

"You're trying too hard to be what everyone's told you that you have to be, luv." He sighed, running a hand through his hair. "But they're not you. They haven't been through what you have. They're not the Slayer. They're supposed to be friends and supportive-like, right? Seems to me they just spend their time telling you what to do."

She remained silent for a moment before looking up at him and offering a small smile "When did you get so smart?"

"120-odd years of experience and never takin' anyone's lip 'll do that to ya."

She chuckled at that before her face went somber again. "Do you think we'll ever be able to start over?"

"There's one way to find out..." he mused, before dropping down through the hatch in the floor. He came back up a moment later, held out his hand and looked at her as if meeting her for the first time. " 'ello. The name's Spike, and you are...?"

She smiled and took his hand in hers. "Buffy. Nice to meet you."

"The pleasure's mine, luv." He kissed the back of her hand.

A feeling of warmth spread through Buffy's being and for the first time she could remember she felt happy

And that was just the beginning

Fin


End file.
